The sound track of our lives

It’s the 1990s. We live in a quiet cul-de-sac in suburbia, a new home and a new baby, my heart full of love, my bank account stripped. We know our neighbours, a wonderful mix of families with kids and grandkids, divorcees and immigrants. We wave to a nervous Tracey as she drives off on her wedding day, her father pleased as Punch, her mother’s eyes wet with tears and pride. Less than six months later, we are in the chapel. Tracey is in her wedding gown, but we cannot see it, even though she takes centre stage. Her husband is distraught, a lifetime of hope gone. Celine Dion plays in the background, a song that I will forever associate with this beautiful bride, It’s All Coming Back to Me Now. As I sit at my computer today, listening to this long, dramatic ballad, I’m transported back to the chapel, to conversations, to happiness, to the intense grief.

~

The amygala, the hippocampus, the adrenal glands - these are all parts of our bodies which kick in, responding automatically to our environment, whether we want them to or not. As celebrants, our job is to hold space, to create meaning and guide rituals for family and whanau, for friends and colleagues. Music - as every rock star or conductor will tell you - is one of the most powerful pathways into the brain, and the heart. Facts and data come and go, but sounds are deeply embedded, our clever neurons connecting madly with millions of others to create long-term memories.

If you don’t believe me, check out these 21 songs from the 90s. Or if you prefer, have a word with Ed Sheeran, whose “Supermarket Flowers” has become one of the top funeral songs in New Zealand (and I’m guessing across the globe). This and the very famous “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” There are a couple of renditions worth listening to: check out the traditional one by Hawaiian, Israel KamakawiwoÊ»ole, or this gobsmackingly beautiful version by Kenny Holland and his sister Capri, as she adds “I Can’t Help Falling in Love”.

So how can you control the strong emotions that may well up inside as you’re delivering a ceremony? Here are a couple of tips:

1. Breathe. Yes, yes, I know this sounds like common sense, but breathing deeply slows the heart rate, and helps bring our thinking back to the frontal cortex. Try “Five Finger Breathing” for an easy-to-remember, quick remedy.

2. Practice. Listen to the songs before the event. Have a good cry in private, so you’re prepared for what will happen in public.

3. Bite the tip of your tongue, or pinch that soft, squishy flesh of your inner arm. The pain will bring you back to the present.

4. Adopt a power pose. Stand tall, chest out, head up. It temporarily increases the testosterone in our bodies, and overwrites the emotion.

Holding space for others doesn't mean you need to be an automaton: your vulnerability makes you human.


Take good care - stay safe, stay well.

Arohanui

Sandy



 

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