Dying to Know

The brown paper package is lying on your doorstep, and a shudder of excitement goes through your body as you anticipate opening it. The courier came half an hour ago, but you were in an online meeting, a hui about a hui, a discussion you needed to have, as unresolved tension threatens to destroy the team. Today you’re WFH, and you’ve boiled the jug, a steaming cup of Earl Grey waiting for you on the table, a single square of chocolate your morning treat.

There’s a certain heft about the package, a weight you hadn’t anticipated, as you gently slide a knife through the tape that holds the cardboard together. You’ll keep the sturdy box, storing it beside the toolkit and the family history, old photographs of the kids when they were young and cute. The curly strips of wood fall onto the floor as you lift out the crystal ball, its surface shining, specks of glitter embedded into the pale blue glass. It seems to hum with an energy, as the warmth of your hands clasp the ball, embracing it, begging you to engage its power.

So what are you dying to know: will you be happy, will you be rich? Will you live a long life with love all around you? What about the end – how and when will you die? Will it be peaceful and predictable, or will you die unexpectedly, the result of an accident or medical event? 

With an almost audible thud, your mind comes back to reality. The glass is beautiful, luminescent even, but the tiny letters inscribed on the base reveal the magic is man-made, an artifice. The future is in your hands – no, no, not the crystal ball made in Asia – but metaphorically in your hands. What you do, the choices you make, these things are up to you. There are lots of things you can’t control, but there’s a whole lot that you can.

And thinking about your death - your passing if you prefer - is an important thing to do. Talking about death won’t hasten or slow the process. Talking about your wishes for your last days or weeks might be tough, but it will be valuable. It will decrease uncertainty, it will help you and your whanau to plan and be ready.

So what are you dying to know? Are you curious to know what dying feels like, or would you rather not know? Will it be scary? What happens near the end? How do you deal with the sadness and grief that death brings? How can you help your family and lessen their pain? What about wills or an EPOA? Do you need a funeral, or can you skip this? And how much does it cost? What happens to all your personal data, your social media accounts, your finances? Where can you get information and support to help you understand this inevitable event that seems so overwhelming but so distant?

Later, when you’re back from your walk, the crystal ball is still sitting on the table, glowing gently in the evening light. You’d like to know more. You’d like to hear what others think, and the kinds of experiences they’ve had. It’s then you see it, the words popping out from the page: Dying Matters Week. Looks like there are events all across Aotearoa in September, and more than a few here in Tamaki Makaurau, Auckland. Sounds like a great opportunity to learn more, right now – while there’s still time.




Sandy is a celebrant, coach and end-of-life doula, based in Tamaki Makaurau, Auckland.


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